Mom, Tanner, Tea and Purse
Most of us don’t get to our fifties without contemplating big questions like “Who am I?” “What is my purpose?” and “What is my relationship with the Divine?” For my mom, the questions she asks have changed considerably in the last ten years. What seems to occupy her thoughts now are “Where is the dog?” “Where is my lipstick?” and “Where is my purse?”
The first question makes sense to me because my Mom has always loved dogs. She and Tanner, our Yorkie Poo are inseparable. Now that Tanner is mostly blind, he sometimes wanders away from her side unintentionally and she wonders where he is. They are both relieved when they are finally reunited. Sadly, even though we had to say good-bye to our sweet chocolate lab, Rudy, this week she has not noticed or felt his absence like we have. She seems to think he is still in the house somewhere just out of her sight. We wish that were true…
The last two questions are perplexing though because I never knew my Mom to be overly concerned with her looks. She was a natural beauty who always enjoyed beating the “Guess My Age” contest at the state fair, making us, her kids, hide around the corner while the carnival guy was guessing. But she was never one for dress up, make-up and spa treatments.
When I was in high school, she became an amateur archeologist and helped dig up a mastodon that was found in a farmer’s bog in Southern Indiana. She smelled so bad when she arrived home from the digs that we would have to hose her off in the driveway before we could let her in the house. Later, in her 60s she became an avid camper and adventurer who kept a kayak behind the couch in her apartment so she could be ready to go on a moment’s notice. She was known for making the decadent brownies she always brought with her on camping trips, not for her lipstick color or designer purse.
That said, according to my Aunt Nancy, she and Mom were taught early on to wear panty hose and lipstick whenever they left the house. I guess as Mom’s memory recedes, what was important in her youth has become most important now. (So far she hasn’t asked for panty hose though!)
Wednesday, when the Hospice chaplain, Anna, stopped by for a visit, she tried to steer the conversation with Mom to the more existential questions of life. I secretly wondered how the questions would land and if Mom would even be able to track what she was asking. After all, Mom has forgotten how to brush her teeth, how could she be expected to answer a deep question? Anna asked Mom if she believed in God and whether she felt a personal connection with God or if it was more impersonal. Surprisingly, Mom seemed to understand the question and said she felt close to God who she thought of as She not He.
On hearing Mom’s progressive answer, I silently berated myself for not trying to have more meaningful conversations with her, opting instead to stick to the tasks at hand: “Here’s your tea.” “Take your pills.” “Let’s get you dressed.” “It’s sunny outside today. Let’s go for a walk.” I wondered if I had given up too soon and could have been having real conversations all along.
Anna seemed encouraged by Mom’s response and asked her if she had any questions for her? Mom considered for a moment and said, “Yes. When am I leaving here?” Anna and I looked at each other, eyes wide. Did Mom really understand that she was dying? Was she asking how much longer she would be alive? Anna, treading lightly said, “What do you mean by leaving here, Mary?” After several moments of us holding our breath in anticipation, Mom responded, “When am I going for a walk?”
And there it was. As much as I wished that “going for a walk” was symbolic and that she was contemplating big questions, what she really wanted to know was when we could go outside. I assured her that we would go soon at which point she asked, “Where is the dog?” “Where is my lipstick?” And finally…”Where is my purse?”
Thanks, Jeni. I always look forward to your writing. It is always excellent and well-thought out. Love, Dad
Thanks Dad!
Jeni Jen Jen… I rarely get to hear a story I did not know from our cousin childhood when the sister moms were one in the same person. I did not know the ‘guess my age’ game and that made me laugh. This particular blog has me thinking about makeup and I have a vivid memory of you all coming to see us in Ohio. It was the blue eye shadow era and I wanted my mom to wear it but she said her eye lids were not the right shape (sunken?). We all know how much attention both received for their stunning looks (right off of the set of Mad Men!), but when Aunt Mary walked in with blue lids that summer, I thought she looked like a movie star. I tried to wear it too and realized I had my mom’s eyes and it was hidden every time I opened them. Forever forward, Aunt Mary maintained ‘Ginger from Gilligan’s Island’ status in my eyes. My mom was at no loss for glamour. I can still smell the Chanel No. 5 when she was dressing in a long gown for a dinner party and I can see the collection of matching pill box purses that went with the fancy clothes. She even had a Jackie Kennedy hair extension to give that do a lift. Lipstick? Red. Very, very RED!! They never did their nails though, did they? I seem to have grown up without ever learning how to be glamorous. I barely own makeup and my messy curls decide on their own how wild I will look that day. I guess glamour and style skipped the generation for me and landed smack on Abby!! Wondering if I will be applying chapstick and looking for a backpack when it is my turn. I just hope there is a dog next to me! xoxo Love you and thank you for listening to your calling to record and touch our lives. You are a gift that blesses beyond limitation.
Cousin- thanks for going down memory lane with me. Love you!
Made me smile Jeni…good lesson about what to really worry about:)
On my way out, today I will put on my lipstick, as always, and think of Mary…like I do a lot …
With a smile…
Rudy is also in my thoughts…knowing he is in a “better place”…
With some tears…
Merci Jeni
Thank you Bea! Much love
One small correction I must add.
I wish it could have been as simple as panty hose. They were not on the market until Mary and I were adults. We wore stockings with seams that were impossible to keep straight especially if you were bow legged ! They were uncomfortably secured by garters, garter belts or worse, girdles! The pressure of getting yourself together before you could leave the house was critical and constant. I can still hear ( now with a smile) “your seams are crooked”. “Where is the hat, the purse, the linen hankerchief ?” And lastly, “Don’t forget your lipstick”!
Thanks Jeni for your lovely stories and memories to be held and shared.
Love, A – Nancy
Aunt Nancy- thank you for setting me straight on the facts! Funny how I didn’t even consider the fact that you would not have had panty hose back then. So grateful that Mom has only latched onto the lipstick and not the need for panty hose or stockings! Love you!
Oh Jeni! What a beautiful story! I lost my mom to Alzheimer’s 3 years ago and you captured my feelings here, especially “did I give up too soon”. Thank you for sharing…my heart goes out to you. And I didn’t know you wrote a blog…would love to start following! Hugs…
Kristi- It is a horrible disease. I’m sorry you lost your Mom to it! Most of my blog is about my role as caretaker/daughter. If you click onto the Caretaker/Daughter link on the left side of the page it will take you to my other entries. I write to try to find meaning and humor and stay balanced as we face these daily challenges. I hope that the writing brings you some smiles. Big love.